Weekly Meetings for boys and girls...

We had them.  They were okay.

Money meme

1. People with money are... unrelateable.
2. Money makes people... disconnected from what it's like " in the trenches."
3. I'd have more money if... I had more work.
4. My dad thought money was... muy importante.
5. My mom always thought money would... make her happy.
6. In my family, money caused strife.
7. Money equals... possibility/opportunity.
8. If I had money, I'd... travel.
9. If I could afford it, I'd... buy a house/
10. I'm afraid that if I had money, I would... lose sight of "who" I really am.
11. Money is... an artificial construct we all agree to use.
12. Money causes... stress.
13. Having money is not... ugh. An option, it feels like!
14. In order to have more money, I'd need to... work more and spend less.
15. When I have money, I usually... stress less.
16. I think money... makes me anxious.
17. If I weren't so cheap, I'd... buy the bed I already mentioned last time this question came up.
18. People think money... fixes things.
19. Being broke tells me... I need more work.

I know my relationship with money is pretty messed up... so while I'm pretty sure this survey reveals something important-ish, I lack the self awareness to really know what it is. It's pretty clear I don't identify as someone who *has* money, or who thinks of money as abundant or a sure thing in my life. But now what?

The boys weekly meeting

We met on Tuesday this week~ due to other circumstances, they had their last two meetings without me and I felt like a bit of an interloper cutting back in on their process when they obviously have it under control.

I think one of the most critical things to come out of this meeting is that the guys are all in agreement that they have a problem with the way God is discussed in the book. They all object pretty strenuously to Ju-Cam's idea of God and Oreste in particular feels that spirituality has no place in the creative process.

I have to say, I object pretty strongly to that statement, but as the mediator it wasn't an appropriate time to make it about me. I can make it about me here though, right? It's my blog. I don't agree with Ju-Cam's idea of God either, but I do believe in Creativity with a capital "C" as one of two major universal forces (the other being Entropy, which we often view subjectively and judge as evil/destruction).

Suffice it to say, they're in agreement to skip over the God bits for the rest of the process and although I find that rash, I do think it's the right choice for this group. Besides, I'm tired of hearing them whine about it.

Oreste has shifted the morning pages to answering the questions at the end of the chapter.

Scott is going to follow Emily's example and focus on just one question this week, giving it the attention he would normally give to the tasks as a whole.

Dave gave himself permission to not make up some old morning pages and that seemed like a positive step since his tendency to push himself and expect too much has come up a lot. He also wants to shoot for doing the morning pages in the morning.

They all want to review the chapter before the next meeting (or you could just read my corresponding resonant phrases, guys... guys?... anyone?).

Week Six: Resonant Phrases

This week's chapter is all about abundance and what god/the universe wants for us... basically it poses the question, "Why don't we let ourselves be happy and trust that our needs will be met?"

A toughy, no doubt. This chapter deals with a lot of money issues, and I find that I'm reluctant to post any of those quotes specifically since I have a real resistance to the idea that money is magic and will just come pouring in the moment we are on the right path. Ugh. Barf. So here is one that I had that kind of negative reaction to, I would love to know what you think!:

"All too often, we become blocked and blame it on our lack of money. This is never an authentic block. The actual block is our feeling of constriction, our sense of powerlessness. Art requires us to empower ourselves with choice. At the most basic level, this mean choosing to do self-care."

Um... nice try, but, Ju-Cam, I can't do proper self care if I can't buy nutrients or shampoo. I've never had a problem at the register because I felt constricted.

Also, I'm *somewhat* bummin' because I *just* read that I'm supposed to have tracked my spending for this week. Not only did I NOT do it, but I already put away the receipts so it would be doubly tedious to go back and find them to put it together. Also, I'd rather not feel like I have to justify or regret the $$$ I spent on my artist dates, so... maybe I'll take this on next week? Or maybe not... the point is to notice how much we deny ourselves artistically and I don't really feel like I have a problem with that (see bullet points below).

Enough negativity~ here are some ideas I enjoyed:

"Many of us equate difficulty with virtue-- and art with fooling around. . . A terrible job must be building our moral fiber. Talent that comes to us easy and seems compatible with us must be some sort of cheap trick, not to be taken seriously."

"What we really want to do is what we are really meant to do." (Personalized, this might make a nice affirmation, although I'm not sure how I feel about "meant" as it implies pre-destination).

Don't deny yourself "the luxury of time: time with friends, faily, above all, to the self with no agendas. . ."

"Remember, your artist is a younster, and youngsters like things that are 'mine.'" LOTS of great examples here of simple artist treats that resonated particularly since I have most of them now and I didn't six weeks ago:

• watercolors paints (the bird kit)
• deluxe Crayola box (like I put in my Easter basket)
• a special space of one's own (my secretary)
• inexpensive but beautiful tea-cup and saucer (the broken one from Cinderella that gives me so much joy as I use for my watercolor water)
• one of a kind china plates (see yesterday's entry!)

"Always leave enough time in your life to do something that makes you happy, satisfied, even joyous. That has more of an effect on economic well-being than any other single factor."

Paul Hawken

"CREATIVITY LIVES IN PARADOX-

SERIOUS ART IS BORN FROM SERIOUS PLAY"

YES!

WOW! Great artist date!

I made it to the art fair today for two AMAZING artist dates (I counted each location as a seperate date... mostly because I "owe" myself three... but also to help justify the volumes of money I spent).

Yes, I blew my budget again this year... but I have no regrets! Given the fondness with which we hold the previous purchases (and what a bummer it was when one of them broke), I think it was money well spent.

Here are some highlights!

~ a piece of fabric art I fell in love with ~

the artist had so many beautiful works, it was difficult to choose!

~ Serving suggestion ;) ~

Were the (phenomenally underpriced) cuddling quail done by the same artist who crafted last year's (also underpriced but equally cherished) bird vase?

~ Detail on a trivet I bought for the patio ~

~ my "fairy" house, a charming candle lantern ~

~ with candle ~

~ Shining on the trivet, just a lovely as I imagined! ~

I'm thinking about needlefelting a little grassy path for this set...

~ fairy house keeping my one rose company ~

I have a few more pieces... mostly gifts, though, so you won't see them here!

My well feels full for the first time in weeks! Hurray!

Late Night, New Game!

This is an exercise my sister developed for the girls at the safe house.

Each participant has a piece of paper and access to a set of markers. Take turns announcing shapes, and drawing them in a repetitive pattern on your page. Don't look to see what your partner is doing and you will be AMAZED by the variety of the results.

I know as I was drawing mine, there were definitely moments when I was thinking, "Oh, she MUST be doing this", and yet I think there was literally NO shape we treated the same.

Since it's 4 a.m. I don't have much to speculate on in the way of practical applications for this game from a teaching standpoint... but I'm excited

to think of ways to incorporate it into the classroom!

...Now it just needs a name...

Can you guess who drew which pic?

Ooh! Ooh!

I think I found a PERFECT artist date for this week!!

The Walnut Creek Clay Art Guild's Spring Show!

I LOVE these sales! Always affordable, beautiful pieces are available, and it's an easy stop on my way to or from work! I'm so excited!!!

Weekly Meeting, Week 5

"When I wrote my affirmation about feeling efficient and effective, it felt true."

Emily, on Week 5

Today's meeting was by phone. To be honest I was not 100% present because I'm running on about 2 hours sleep, I just finished helping my sister with her application for an awesome job (hope you get it, girl!), and I need to finish one of my own.

With enrollment down, budget cuts, and programs being slashed, everything feels up in the air right now... and I feel like the Artist's Way is actually helping me with that in the sense that I'm already committed to change, things are already in flux... so not knowing the future of my career is somehow less scary? I'm not sure that makes sense... I don't think Emily understood what I was saying, so you might not either.

As I already reported, I missed two days of morning pages and my artist date.

Emily got a massage for her artist date, doesn't that sound awesome? Jealous! And the morning pages are her favorite tool. She's still pretty turned off by the tasks listed at the end of the chapter, but I had a better time with them this week... Next week, she's going to pick just one question to really commit to, and I hope that helps.

There were a few more "meme-y myspace survey" type activities, so let me know if you'd like to see more posts of that variety.

Check in: Morning Pages & Artist Dates...

I don't have much to say about these issues, but I just want to check in because I haven't blogged about them recently and it's on my to-do list.

I missed my morning pages twice this week: Friday and Saturday... Not too worried about that, but when I came back to them today, I spent the first two pages subconciously avoiding writing about what was on my mind (the future of my employment). After I figured it out? I spent the last page consciously avoiding it.

So in that sense, it's almost as if I missed THREE days, since I didn't really do what I was supposed to...

I'm also two weeks behind on the artist dates... I feel like I have a good excuse for that, too, because it's difficult for me to feel safe about leaving Dave alone since the seizure. I've made some progress on this, like I'm no longer asking other folks to be here, and I can go to work without being too paranoid the whole time. But, leisurely excursions from the house feel both decadent and dangerous. Tomorrow I plan to get a pedicure, and then maybe I'll figure something out that I can do here? I love spending time on the patio as part of my artist date...

What do YOU think I should do, gentle reader?

Third Little Bird and a bed of roses...

Pacific Mozart Ensemble Auditions

My audition was scheduled for "around 8:30... whenever they take a break."

This is a really difficult time to be sure about... I didn't want to show up RIGHT at 8:30 and discover that I'd missed it. But then again, I didn't want to show up at the beginning of rehearsal (7:00) and look like a douche, sitting around, waiting, the entire time.

Actually, I wouldn't have minded sitting in on the rehe, even if it meant looking like a douche... but I was loathe to leave the house early since Dave would be alone. I haven't felt quite ready to leave him since his seizure last week.

Anyway, I got there at 8:10, which seemed like a nice compromise... not TOO eager... ;)

My contact, Penny, had gone home early, so I had to introduce myself to the director, who took me into an adjacent room to sing.

First up: "Jukebox Fury", by Rickie Lee Jones. This was my "what I'm like" song... and Lynne, who was accompanying as well as auditioning me, got really into it. I felt like we were in the groove together. It was cool.

After that, she asked me questions about what I'd written on my form... That felt good, too... I felt taken seriously... more seriously than I would ever dream of taking myself. For example, she asked me what KIND of tambourine I play... I got embarrassed and said I didn't know, so maybe I should take it off my form, that I played like "shk-a-tk-a-shk-a-tk-a" and she said, "OH, you're interested in vocal percussion." Can I say, I was stoked? It was good.

Then I sang The Silver Swan.

After I'd sung, she gave me some notes and tested my range. Holy heck, I hadn't been able to access the high end of my range at home at all, but there it was easy. I was way! up there! "You can sing the back up flute parts!", laughed Lynne. (I totally forget that I'm a soprano~ don't really self-identify as I've always been thrown into the weakest section as a singer who can hear, and I get kind of bored just singing melody anyway). She was like, "Well, let's get started!" I was stunned... didn't expect to have it happen that quickly. And I was nervous about leaving Dave for longer than I'd said... but I got over it pretty quick, once I had that sheet music in my hands. ;)

I'm glad it all worked out the way it did, even though it is at the exclusion of another potential project (the BATS guest program, which didn't respond to my e-mail anyway, a fact that didn't really bother me too much until I realized that the coordinator is also a friend on Facebook. Somehow that made the neglect of my submission feel more personal).

Even if I hadn't gotten in, just the process of filling the audition form out was really enjoyable and enlightening... it made me feel like I have A Plan. It made me feel like a musician. Here it is:

Repertoire I feel most comfortable with: ANY

Styles I’d like to be consider for to sing solos: Improvisational

My sight-singing is: Good (at present) to Very Good (when in practice)

Where I am as a singing musician:

Interests-

• Harmonizing with others, exploring harmony
• Rehearsing efficiently
• Singing in French

Goals-

Short term

• To sing every day
• To be more comfortable in auditions
• To learn to arrange with Finale

Long term

• To lead sectional rehearsals
• To develop/lead a workshop: acting & musical improvisers collaborating
• To lead a group reminiscent of Tonal Chaos
• To write and publish arrangements

What I’d like to work on

• Recovering the top end of my range if possible
• Listening, listening, listening!
• Developing confidence/leadership skills

Ways I’m willing to work on them

• In rehearsal
• On my own at home
• Warming up/practicing daily
• Being open to direction and trying new things

My favorite composer:

Morten Lauridsen

Choral works I’d like to sing in PME:

Lauridsen’s arrangement of “O Magnum Mysterium”

Manhattan Transfer’s arrangement of “A Nightingale Sang Berkeley Square”

King Singer’s arrangement of “Simple Gifts”

My voice teacher is:

None at present. Formerly: Susan Cox, Elaine Reynolds-Smith, Helen Intintoli, Eve-Ann Wilkes, Carolyn Bisiel, Richard Kalman

I last studied voice:

Summer of 2008 (Last choral performance: March 2009)

Other instruments I play:
Piano, Guitar, Tambourine

More like a meme... exercises from chapter 5

I'm supposed to do these quickly, so the answers are spontaneous.

The Virtue Trap Quiz

1. The biggest lack in my life is: children (whoah, whoops, did I say that out loud? Oh well, too late to go back now!)
2. The greatest joy in my life is: my life. That was the first thing that came into my head, but I guess other things that rushed in after were: Dave, O'Malley, and where we live.
3. My largest time commitment is: YTC? IDK, it's pretty open right now.
4. As I play more, I work: better.
5. I feel guilty that I am: responsible for what happened to Dave last week.
6. I worry that: Dave will have another seizure.
7. If my dreams come true, my family will: continue to be happy for me.
8. I sabotage myself so people will: pity me.
9. If I let myself feel it, I'm angry that I: am fat.
10. One reason I get sad sometimes is: everybody dies.

Apparently I'm supposed to be able to tell from this if I'm self-destructive?

Make a list of Forbidden Joys, things you would love, but aren't allowed to do.

1. Spend a ton of money on things I want without thinking about it
2. Put purple streaks in my hair
3. Spend a ton of money on things I want including thinking about it
4. Go away ("disappear") on a spontaneous vacation
5. Don't let anybody know where I am for a few days
6. Turn my phone off for a whole weekend
7. Have more pets: a rabbit, a ferret, a couple more cats...
8. Buy fancy formal dresses
9. Eat nothing but crazy junk for an entire day
10. Is a secret, so there!

You have to be careful when she makes you do these kind of lists... often she will turn right around and tell you to do the stuff on the list. For example, she's already told me to post this "somewhere highly visible." Um, yeah, I think my blog counts.

Wish List

1. I wish I felt healthy.
2. I wish I were thinner.
3. I wish I could do both PME & BATS.
4. I wish I had a nicer car.
5. I wish we had chosen a bed already.
6. I wish I didn't have to worry about health insurance.
7. I wish we had already started our family.
8. I wish we were trying to start a family now.
9. I wish there was a *little* more room in the dining area of our apartment.
10. I wish we could paint here!
11. I wish all my plants would come up, live, thrive.
12. I wish a stranger would follow my blog.
13. I wish for publishing about this process to be helpful to someone else.
14. I wish I had all the money in the world and I never had to worry about finances.
15. I wish to be well known and respected as an improviser, and for the people that I respect and look up to would want to work with me.
16. I wish I had focused more on music when I was younger.
17. I wish for Dave to be well and never have another seizure.
18. I wish!
19. I most especially wish... for the global disarming of all nuclear weapons.

Week Five: Resonant Phrases

I'm feeling a little frustrated because I started this post a couple of days ago, but my computer froze up and I lost the work. Of course, this was the week I decided to skip the step of writing them in my journal first and just go straight to the blog. So now I have to RE-read a THIRD time, and do the WHOLE THING over. Ugh. I don't know what the reward is for this blog. I'm feeling non-committed and wondering why I'm doing this... honestly, at the moment, the only thing that's keeping me at it? It's less work/noise than doing the dishes.

This week, instead of quoting the book directly, I'll be paraphrasing the ideas that interest me, and fleshing some of them out.

We curtail our possibilities by placing limits on the good we can receive.

What is the cost of settling for appearing good, instead of being authentic?

Sometimes it's easy to dismiss the idea of being open to "what the universe provides" (or God, however you want to word it) as being TOO arty, or flaky... Ju-Cam notes that detractors might call it wishing for a "magic wand"... however, she goes on to define the process as "a conscious partnership in which we work along slowly and gradually, clearing away the wreckage of our negative patterning (blurts), clarifying the vision of what we want, learning to accept small pieces. . . from whatever source and one day, presto! The vision seems to be in place."

I feel that this logic is proving to be true for me... I have been skating or coasting for a while now, not producing much artistically nor putting an expectation on myself to do so. By bringing my attention on it, "suddenly" doors have opened... but the truth is that, doors have probably been opening this whole time and I just haven't been looking for them.

"One reason we are miserly with ouserlves is scarcity thinking. We don't want our luck to run out. We don't want to overspend our (spiritual) abundance." This rings true for me; I especially see this in my mom's thinking... so in my case it's probably a learned behavior.

When we are on the Right Path (caps are mine-thinking of this as the Right Path in the Buddhist sense), we find friends, lovers, money, and meaningful work. Again, I think a lot of this has to do with just having your eyes open and consciously looking for opportunities.

At this point, Ju-Cam suggests using the morning pages for more than just stream-of-consciousness flow... writing questions in the book at night might reveal some answers in the morning. I had begun to do that anyway... the night before I read this chapter!

"Dependence on the creator within is really freedom from all other dependencies. Paradoxically, it is also the only route to real intimacy with other human beings. Freed from our terrible fears of abandonment, we are able to live with more spontaneity. Freed from our constant demands for more and more reassurance, our fellows are able to love us back without feeling burdened." There are some interesting ideas in here... I'm not sure I agree with all of them, but I do see the value in being independent and self-contained as an artist. Actually, the ideal-artist-prototype described in this paragraph reminds me a lot of my friend Emily. As far as her place in the artistic world, she requires very little in the way of outside validation. Me, I'm more Bette-Midler-in-Beaches (she can never be loved enough).

Listening to the artist within creates a sense of safety and security and allows those artistic desires to be felt harder and heard louder.

THE VIRTUE TRAP

"An artist must have downtime, time to do nothing." This is so true for me, I actually have a considerable amount of my life structured around that need. The whole section resonates for me... I look forward to Dave reading it, and I hope it makes him feel like it's okay to say no to others (including me), and take time for himself, and just generally do more for himself.

Week Four wrap-up meeting (by phone)

Whew! Week 4 proved to be a doozy for both of us! Even before going in, we agreed to take 2 weeks on this chapter because Emily was going to have most of her entire extended family staying at her place for her daughter's birthday. As it turned out, the extra time was critical on both sides... they came down with the Norwalk virus... we also had a medical crisis (which I may blog about at a future date).

Emily was brave and took on the "NO READING" challenge (I chose to take a pass on that one and it turned out to be a really good thing because there is NO WAY I would have made it through last week without reading). She has been limiting her exposure to the internet, catalogues... she even caught herself looking at a magazine when she took her daughter to the ER and made herself put it down! Emily feels that it helped her be more productive... at one point she spent an entire day cleaning her house, and when she went to relax... she couldn't think of anything to do. She ended up drinking water! I've never heard of recreational water consumption, but seeing as how she just had a major flu, it must have been good for her.

My favorite part of the week's assignments was visioning an ideal living/work space. I really enjoyed creating a collage (using images from a Pottery Barn catalogue, mostly...) and find myself coming back to some of the ideas fairly often in an inspiring way. At the core of the work was A Place for Everything, and Everything In It's Place. As a result, I am feeling inspired to unpack my secretary... I'd previously put this off, pending the purchase of a bed. Depending on what we decide about bedroom furniture, it might have to go somewhere else... however, it is a perfect little space for me to develop a "creative haven"~ one of the tasks from last week that seemed impossible at the time. I'm also gearing up to start the difficult, overwhelming task of organizing my side of the office. Baby steps: I cleared out my jewelry box, which turned out to be a bigger job than it sounds like, but I enjoyed organizing the little cubbies and hooks, setting things aside for my nieces and cleaning all my tarnished silver. Not to mention all of my old stuff feels new again!

We are both in a similar space emotionally. Although we kept up with the morning pages, the traumatic events of the week left us unable to do our Artist Dates. And, whether it's related or not, we each feel devoid of emotional attachment or engagement with the Artist's Way process. I wonder if there's something about Week 4 that just does that to you anyway...

However, we maintained our commitment, and I think there's value in that alone, even if it does feel a little... empty.

Two More Auditions...?

Yep, I submitted myself for the BATS guest program this year.

I also sent an e-mail to Pacific Mozart Ensemble. We saw them in concert with Bobby McFerrin last Saturday and I was like, mm=hmm time to get into that.

Unfortunately both groups rehearse at the same time... but as neither have responded to my e-mails yet, I think I have a while before I need to worry about making a decision.

The Boys: Week 2

The boys had a conference call this week instead of a meeting for reasons which will become apparent in my next post. I wasn't able to sit in on their discussion, but was fascinated by a motivational tool Oreste & Dave will be using.

They are having difficulty with the tasks listed at the end of the chapter. Neither Dave nor Oreste did any of the 10 tasks listed at the end of chapter 2. For chapter 3, they will roll a 20 sided die and do the corresponding task (I think they get multiple rolls if they need them).

Curious to see how it turns out...

The Littlest Birds Sing the Prettiest Songs

Buried Dreams, Another Meme-ish Exercise

List 5 hobbies that sound like fun:
painting
pottery
spelunking
scuba
dance

List 5 classes that sound fun
tap
ballet
needle felting (a specific project, or learning a specific skill)
jewelry making
pottery

List 5 things you would never do that sound fun
swim with sharks
sky dive
that other kind of diving where you have a suit like a flying squirrel
cliff diving
a scandalous affair
(I'm pretty sure she's going to make me do one of these later... I think I could get myself to swim with sharks. Mew did it. Mass respect, Mew!)

List 5 skills that would be fun to have
woodworking
car repair
healing
throwing pottery
amazing dance skillz

List 5 things you used to enjoy doing
yoga
choral singing
swimming
flirting/dating
sailing
(Obviously I still *would* enjoy these things if I ever did them)

List 5 silly things you would like to try once
being on a reality TV show
competing for something stupid
a live action mario cart race
create a meme on facebook
create a ridiculous rumor

...I do silly things all the time, but I try not judge them that way

READING DEPRIVATION!?!?

I'm having a huge reaction that I want to clock publicly- an expectation for this week is reading deprivation. That's right, NO reading! No reading? Does that I can't finish my book, Salman Rushdie's riveting "Midnight's Children"? No internetz? No late-night chats with my sister!? NO FACEBOOK? Aigh! I don't think I can do it!!!

What do you think, readers? Can I give up TV instead? I spend WAY more time watching TV than I do reading.

Week Four: Resonant Phrases

Stop saying "It's okay," when you mean something else.
Extreme emotions can trigger an avoidance of the morning pages (where you will be forced to deal with them).
Chekhov: "If you want to work on your art, work on your life." (In order to have self-expression, we must know the self to express).
Conditioned as we are to accept other people's definitions of us, emerging individuality can seem like self-will run riot. It isn't.
You may long for the time when there was no sense of possibility, when you felt more victimized, when you didn't realize how many small things you could do to improve your own life.

Lastly, from the sidebar quotes, this zen paradigm offers interesting food for thought:
"Stop thinking and talking about it and there is nothing you will not be able to know."

I'm so lucky!

Howdy! I'm feeling super blessed today, because as part of the written exercises for Chapter 3, I just wrote a list of people who support me, and then I made a list of the traits they share that make me feel nurtured.

Of course, not all of traits are shared by everyone. If you're reading this blog, you're probably on the list... see if you can guess which things make me think of YOU!

**Listens and reflects
**Willing to put my needs first when necessary
**Offers encouragement
**Honest
**Objective
**Laughs a lot
**Wants me to be happy
**Is direct
**Always willing to help
**Unconditional love
**Always on my side
**Believes in me
**Supports my shows
**Calls me on my $hit
**Has a sense of wonder

I hope you are so lucky to have a team that gives this kind of support back to you! And I hope I am part of it!

PS I did not get called back for RENT, but I REALLY had fun obsessively checking their website. ;)

FOUND! Artist Date, Week 4

This week I bought myself a FOUND magazine. I've wanted one ever since a fellow improviser had one at a rehearsal about 4 years ago. I could hardly focus on the work at hand, I wanted to delve into that mag so badly!

The plan: wait for nice weather and enjoy it on the patio with 500 mile chai tea in this chaiwallah, a housewarming present that Emily brought me from her last trip to Portland. I really liked the idea of connecting with the thought of her during my Artist Date because we had our Week 3 meeting by phone and frankly it kind of sucked. We need to meet in person!

It was AMAZING... I can't even describe it, but just think back to the last time you were doing something you REALLY enjoyed JUST BECAUSE YOU WANTED TO. That's what it was like.

O'Malley was out in his new collar, exploring and occasionally checking in sweetly... "you still here, mom? could you maybe pat me? but don't pick me up, okay? somebody might see you!"

We had our first encounter with a local squirrel who was chattering angrily at O'Malley for about 10 minutes while I watched bemused from the patio. This squirrel was seriously bawling out my cat. I was torn between not wanting to miss it and wanting to run inside and grab my phone so I could get some video footage. After a couple of minutes it became clear that I was not really in danger of missing it because this squirrel had a major beef with O'Malley!

Actually, the squirrel has good reason to be upset because yesterday, tree removers took down the pine tree that used to block our kitchen window. It was dying, but I loved to watch the squirrels use it as transportation from the creek to our roof... and maybe some of them were living in it. I wish I'd been home when they cut it down, because maybe I could have looked for squirrel nests and... what? Saved all the unhatched squirrel eggs, of course! ;)

After about an hour, I decided to follow up on some gardening. I repotted the rose bushes I got from Emily's husband Tim last week. I mixed my potting soil with coffee grounds and fertilizer before gently separating one bush from the other. I wanted to apologize to them as I heard their tiny, tender roots ripping apart. I wanted to speak the language of roses so I could explain that it was for the best, and that they would really thrive on having more room to grow.

I know there's probably a million gardening blogs by master green thumbs with way better allegories for how gardening is like life, but I couldn't help reflecting on how change, no matter how painful, almost always make way for growth into something new and better!

RIP Tree. I wish I had a better picture, but we hardly knew ye!

Purpose of Blog

Wow, with this post, I'm officially caught up and can start posting in real time.

My goal is to write 4-5 posts a week on the following topics:
**My weekly meetings with Emily and/or the boys
**My Artist Date
**Morning Page Updates (how it's going, what I think I'm getting out of it)
**Resonant Quotes from the current chapter
**Written exercises when there's one that's appropriate to share
**General updates about other art/creative things that are going on in my life

What I want to get out of this blog:
A record of this experience
A habit of writing
Validation from my readers

What I want YOU to get out of this blog:
The occasional chuckle
Appreciation for me and my awesomeness
Inspiration to go out and try something new!

Let's Hear it for the Boys! Week One Meeting

Last night, I met with Oreste, Scott & Dave for the second time. It was the end of their first week and our meeting took about twice as long as I thought it would but there were some great revelations both for them as artists and for myself as group leader.

We spent a lot of time talking about the morning pages. The guys have decided that when pages are missed they will make them up (Emily & I are a little easier on ourselves). Dave tends to break it up when he misses a day (4 pages for the next 3 days), where Scott saves up the work, sometimes doing 9 pages at a time. Yikes! He is struggling with streaming, but really game to keep trying and experimenting. Oreste showed a sample of his~ he uses line breaks to indicate the end of an idea. I use indentations... but I feel like I'm more in the flow when there are less of them. ;)

Scott went here for his artist date and it may lead to them carrying his pot racks. He's visiting a similar shop for this week's artist date to see if they'll sell the coffee table he made. I wish I could post a picture of that! It's an amazing work of art. I'm happy for him to make connections and see results... but I also have a wish for him to enjoy some truly indulgent artist dates that are sheer enjoyment without any additional motive or expectation.

Oreste treated himself to a trip to half-price books. He bought a stack, including a copy of Julia Cameron's Vein of Gold... thanks, Oreste! He has a hard time with the artist date concept since he feels that he's already given himself a huge pamper by not having a job. I come up against this sometimes, too, since I'm underemployed and have time to just do what I want, too. I'm really grateful because I feel this process is helping me focus that, though, from pointless TV watching and lying around to constructive activity.

Similarly, this came up while discussing the written exercise in Chapter 2 where you list 20 things you like to do. I challenged Oreste to write a list that's a simple and obvious as possible. He reluctantly accepted when pushed.

Dave didn't have an artist date, which was a source of despair and consternation for him. He considered not coming to the meeting so he could take some time for himself and then check in with us by skype. It was one of those things where he was worked up enough that he didn't know what to do and I guess ultimately his decision to come came from me. Hopefully it was the right thing for him to do. We decided he gets two artist dates this week. =)

I got a couple of really great things out of this meeting:
** I can still be looking for blurts in my morning pages and thinking about affirmations that counter negative or expired messages that I give myself. I did that as instructed as a written exercise for chapter one, but it's sort of ridiculous to assume you could catch them all in one go, anyway.
** In a group setting, it's important to know how people like to get feedback. For example, Oreste prefers super-direct, whereas Dave likes potential criticism to be phrased in the form of a question.
** It's a great idea to know what kind of learners you have in a group, too!

Thanks, guys!

How is an audition like Tower of Terror?

My sister can tell you the answer to that one, she was there the first time I *tried* to ride Tower of Terror (I eventually got over my paralyzing fear and really enjoyed it).

Yesterday I was driving from work to the Rent audition when I was seized by a fear so total, I thought it might turn into an anxiety. I seriously had to wonder if I would have to pull over just to deal with it? I gave myself the same pep talk I would give a student that situation, about how nerves are just letting us know what we're alive and that we can choose to harness that energy to help us onstage, etc., and I felt like a total hypocrite! Like, who am I to be advising anybody on auditions, especially if it's implied that it's "easy" to refocus nervous energy.

Changing tactics, I started to tell myself how much I LOVE my song and how much FUN I was going to have singing it and how great that was going to be. That worked pretty well, actually... but it only bought me about 3 minutes of calm before my fear would amp all the way back up to 10.

Seriously, I was much more frightened than I have ever been going in to an audition and I don't know where that came from. Even just writing about it now and remembering what it felt like, I can feel my heart racing. Baffling, especially when you consider that the stakes were phenomenally low:
a) I'm not attached to doing Rent
b) I'm not a good match for any character in Rent
c) I probably couldn't commit schedule-wise if I *were* by some miracle cast.

All I can think of is that the Ave Q debacle had stayed with me enough to alter my experience of this audition in a huge and negative way. But, in which case, I'm really glad that I decided to get back on the horse... it would have been SO much easier to give up and go home.

I was majorly freaked out when I arrived and I had an entire HOUR to wait (the audition was halfway between work and home, but it didn't really make sense to go home and come back... plus I knew there was a good chance that my fear would mate with inertia and I would talk myself out of going). I can thank Ju-Cam and The Artist's Way for the inspiration to take a walk! I made a quick trip by foot to 7-11 for some Mentos... probably half a mile round trip? By the time I returned to the theater, I could hold my resume without it quivering visibly in my hands. Progress, baby!

Then, something funny happened when I got inside... there was a girl... with a SNAKE. Just, you know, loose snake, hanging out on the arm. You guys, that scared me for reals!

But it made me realize something.

There's a reason to be afraid of snakes. A snake could be dangerous. We're kind of biologically programmed to be averse to slithery creepy-crawlies, right? My fear of the snake made sense.

But to be afraid of an opportunity to do something that I genuinely LOVE? That's kind of nuts.

With this in mind, I was able to project my negative thoughts and energy toward the snake and head into the audition with a clear mind and heart, ready to sing my best and hopefully communicate my enthusiasm!

The Chapter Three Exercise that reads like a meme...

Here is a set of questions that's meant to help you get in touch with your... whatever. Inner child? They really reminded me of one of those surveys like you would read in a myspace bulletin, so I thought it would be fun to publish mine here:

My favorite childhood toy was... Hmmm... I had this ballerina doll with a plunger sticking out of her head. You could depress the plunger and she would do a pirouette. That was pretty sweet, and I remember being devestated when her hair became so tangled in the plunger that she stopped working.

My favorite childhood game was... "STATUE"!!! This game I made up, which is startlingly similar to a game I use now teaching called The Museum (see, I was an improviser already). In Statue, you get swung violently around in a circle by the "Shopkeeper". When the shopkeeper releases you, you have to freeze in that exact position. Then, think of an action or idea that goes with your pose... like if you land on all fours, you might be a dog. The Shopkeeper will bring the Buyer (who has been isolated in what I now would call a sound-proof booth) into the shop and show off the statues. As a statue, when your nose is pressed, you have been turned on and that's your time to shine. Once the buyer has seen all the statues, one is chosen as the winner! That person gets to be the next buyer! And the buyer becomes the shopkeeper.

One popular option was to be a "I turn on the other statues" statue. Chaos!

I guess robot would have been a more apt title for this game.

The best movie I ever saw as a kid was THE WIZARD OF OZ. Too easy. Next.

I don't do it much but I enjoy... eating really messily on purpose.

If I could lighten up a little, I'd let myself... stop using condoms.

If it weren't too late, I'd... I guess, go back to school? I don't know, this is a tough one... I try not to subscribe to "too late" thinking.

My favorite musical instrument is... the French horn! So mournful! Followed by the piano (gorgeous in it's capacities for simplicity/complexity), followed by the bari sax (a ticklish instrument if there ever was one).

The amount of money I spend on treating myself to entertainment each month is... unknown. Probably too much, especially when you factor in those Lady Gaga tickets!

If I weren't so stingy with my artist, I'd buy him/her... tons of sheet music, and guess what? I just did! I got Rickie Lee Jones greatest hits (as well as some of her more obscure pieces), and THREE book of Ben Folds. YES!

Taking time out for myself is... awesome!

I am afraid that if I start dreaming... I won't stop and then Dave will have to institutionalize me and that would suck because who wants a wife that's institutionalized?

I secretly enjoy reading... kinky personal ads.

If I had a perfect childhood I'd have grown up to be... on Saturday Night Live or Broadway. HA! I really like that it is somehow my parents fault that I'm not doing those things.

If it didn't sound so crazy, I'd write or make... honey, I'm an improviser. I've done some pretty crazy shit in the name of art. But, I guess on the crazy scale, big ambitious knitting projects intimidate me.

My parents think artists are... foolish.

My God thinks artists are... made in the same image. My concept of God is all about art!

What makes me feel weird about this recovery is... right at this moment? The fact that I decided to post this before I read the questions more carefully! But in a more serious fashion, so far I have been challenged by beginner mind~ I want to just be really good at things!

Learning to trust myself is probably... going to take a while. One thing that has come up in this work is that I have some pretty severe trust issues around my body. Every time I make a commitment to a show, I get sick! Because of that, sometimes I think, "I could never make it all the way through the run without getting sick" or "that would definitely make me sick." As a result, one of my affirmations is "My body is strong and resilient."

My favorite way to dress is... kind of crazy. You know.

Serendipitous Occasions! (as of week 3)

I'm supposed to be looking for times/opportunities that my dreams are being presented to me instead of skeptically dismissing them as happenstance or coincidence.

Here are the things that have come up for me artistically since I started working The Artist's Way:

** I got referred to a puppetry gig, The Magic Paintbox
** I got referred to a second puppetry gig, Cinderella
(How I would dismiss this: the referrals come from the same person- Tim - who is married to Emily, my Artist's Way partner. Ergo they "don't count." I'm not saying they ACTUALLY don't count, I'm just giving an example of the kind of sabotage that seems to be wired into the brain.)
** I found the AVE Q audition notice on Facebook
** Dave's friend Megan mentioned the RENT audition that I'm going to tonight.
(These "don't count" because I would have been on FB anyway and... I don't have a good excuse for Rent, actually... BUT I think it is totally valid to surmise that if I weren't working The Artist's Way, I would not have followed through...)
** I got a call from Fairyland about a gig directing at their summer camp AND I was referred by a colleague that I *thought* was displeased with my work.

You may notice that they are all performance oriented... I haven't done a show in two, maybe two and a half years, which is probably a record. I wasn't really looking for shows while I was singing with Con Alma, and then I consciously took some time off to plan my wedding... but I haven't gone back yet (despite the fact that it has been a year since I got married/left Con Alma).

Dang, the transition from "day-job-with-night-time-hobby" performer to "teach-it-all-day-and-do-it-at-night" performer is way tougher than one would think. There's definitely a drain on the creative resources that I wasn't challenged by before when I wasn't passionate about my job and I could just phone it in at work.

Anyway, according to Julia Cameron (or Ju-Cam as I like to think of her~ all the celebrities are doing it!), these things have come to me because I have put my intention out into the universe and it is giving me what I want. That's a little too "The Secret" for me... but I think it's safe to say that you SEE more opportunities when you are LOOKING for them.

Week Three: Resonant Phrases

There were fewer phrases that lept out at me during this week's reading.

Without finding a specific quote, I found I did agree with her idea of anger as a guide post, indicating what you are missing or needing. Basically, anger shines a light on the next step.

"Creativity is a tribal expression."

"Leap and the net will appear." (this is a variation on one of my favorite quotes of all time, Ray Bradbury's "If we listened to our intellect, we'd never have a love affair. We'd never have a friendship. We'd never go into business, because we'd be cynical. Well, that's nonsense. You've got to jump off cliffs all the time and build your wings on the way down" I had that last part on my desk at my old day job for about 3 months before I finally gave my notice).

"Action has magic, grace, and power in it."

"You are a good artist, a brave artist, you are doing well. It's good you did the work."

"An antidote for shame is self love and self praise."

And... I'm going to include one of my own. I met a frustrated artist this week who maybe wasn't aware that she was blocked. She went on and on and on about how her art is deep and obscure so "no one around here would understand it" and "that's why she only creates, like, twice a year." Oh, man, she was really bugging me with her excuses, you guys, until I realized she is just, like me, a blocked creative!

Honestly, I think before this experience I might have been all "yeah," and "That's too bad," but in this case I just felt so sad and sorry for her. That's why the Amber quote of the week is:

"If you want to make your art... MAKE YOUR ART!"

PS Ray Bradbury also said, "Don't think. Thinking is the enemy of creativity. It's self-conscious, and anything self-conscious is lousy. You can't try to do things. You simply must do things," which is supported by improv philosophy... and the morning pages!

Artist Date Updates: Weeks 1, 2, & 3

In addition to reading and journaling, there are TWO commitments we make each week to the Artist's Way.

One, the morning pages (I've written about a little already and although we're technically supposed to avoid the temptation to judge ourselves by avoiding going back into them and reading them, I will be publishing excerpts as examples of what my stream-of-consciousness pages look like, since I think it could be helpful for readers who are considering the Artist's Way. Or, seeing as how I have no readers yet, it will be interesting for there to be a record of the progression).

And two, the less tedious and more enjoyable Artist Date. An artist date is a totally self-indulgent commitment you make to yourself that is intended to replenish your creative well, so it should connect in some way with your artistic interests. NO INTERLOPERS ALLOWED!

WEEK ONE-
** Emily went to a cafe she really loves and did some writing...
** I got a haircut, and because I had put it off for so long, it felt more like an errand or chore than an artist date.

WEEK TWO-
**Emily went online and planned her dream menu for a New Orleans tea party (we were having one that week). Oh man, the recipes she had planned were absolutely divine! I was positively drooling over her descriptions of creole inspired shrimp/crab biscuits and sweet potato tarts! I can't wait until her dream of owning a teahouse comes to fruition!
**I got my patio garden started by planting 12 pots of seeds, then I planned to sit outside with a gardening magazine and had tea with a snack. I was right to be concerned that gardening would feel too much like work to be an effective artist date for me. My heart was in the right place, but I literally had not planted a seed since kindergarten! It was difficult to embrace beginner mind and just be okay with the fact that I was challenged simply by getting dirty. Also, I underestimated how long the work would take and ended up not being able to enjoy my magazine. I had to rush off to a class without even a shower!

WEEK THREE
** Emily treated herself to some fabulously inspiring videos: this one, this one, and she spent a lot of time admiring the imagery of this artist. Why not take yourself on an artist date and check them out!
** I went to a Vogue Pattern Trunk Show at a yarn shop in Walnut Creek. I'm trying to keep my expenditures low, but I was REALLY looking forward to to seeing the pieces in person. I'm always knitting gifts and I had promised myself that I could buy one skein of anything I wanted, as long as I made something for myself! Normally I really like this shop, but the trunk show turned out to be hugely anticlimactic... as Dave put it, "there wasn't even a trunk!" Not about to be disappointed by my third artist date in a row, I made my way to Big Sky for the first time, where I was thrilled to discover their sample knits were on clearance. I was elated to find & buy an electric blue shawl that was originally $70... for $10!

Now that I'm finally catching up, I'll be posting about our artist dates in more detail as the weeks progress! This week, I bought myself a copy of Found magazine (I've always wanted one), and I'm going to read it on the patio while I eat fabulous snacks!

The callbacks for Avenue Q

I might as well get the most embarrassing tidbit out of the way first since it happened immediately. I brought my own puppet to the callback. I'm not sure what I was thinking... something along the lines that since I hadn't gone to the original auditions, I was like a +1 for the callback and maybe they wouldn't have enough puppets. There was nary a puppet in sight... I knew the second I walked in that if I didn't act fast, I would forever set myself apart as the weird puppet lady. So I hid the puppet in my purse, fast.

(In hindsight, I should have just flown my freak flag high and proud. Yep, I'm the weird puppet lady. Get over it).

I went in feeling way overconfident because of getting in by my resume/video submission alone, so the no-puppets thing was the first dent in the armor. Also, there were WAY more people there than I was expecting, and although I didn't notice it at the time, they were all at least ten years younger than me. I think I'm in that weird too old to be the ingenue, too young to be the matron place, casting-wise.

After waiting about 10 minutes, we learned Mix Tape & Special in a group and when we were done, the accompanist asked me if I taught voice lessons! So I thought I must have been sounding pretty good. Score another one for overconfidence.

Since I was feeling so buoyant, I volunteered to go in first, but when I got before the panel they were like "we don't have your paperwork," and I was like, "here's my resume", and they were like NO, your PAPERWORK. Then the "casting director" that I'd sent my e-mail to (whose role seemed more "production assistant-y than anything) said, "Oh, you just came in right before the singing so I didn't have time to give it to you, remember?" and I was like, NO BITCH, I REMEMBER SITTING AROUND FOR 10 MINUTES WHILE YOU TEXTED PEOPLE ON YOUR PHONE. Only I didn't call her on it because I couldn't see how it would help me, and it kind of would have gone against the basic improv principle of making others look and feel good.

When we got into the hall she apologized that she didn't have anymore forms because she hadn't had time to run downstairs and make more copies. Whatever, bitch, how many copies did you need for the ONE person who didn't fill them out at the first round?

By the time I was done filling them out, everyone else had gone before. Dang! So much for being first. Also, I'd realized that this "casting director" woman who made the judgment call to let me come to callbacks had nothing to do with the casting. Also, she told me she couldn't open my attachments or watch my video... Really?

So, not to make excuses for myself, but by the time I went back in, I kind of felt like I had a couple of strikes against me. I was left with the feeling that whatever I did was not the caliber of what I would have done the first time I went in. I still felt like I sang well and I made strong and very different character choices.

When I was done, the ACTUAL DIRECTOR said, "Thank you, that's all I need from you today." Bear in mind that he'd kept the rest of the ladies for reading sides, including the one with laryngitis! I was crushed, mortified, and stunned, all of which I'm sure showed on my face before I managed to regain my composure. As I walked out of the room, the accompanist gave me a sympathetic, better-luck-next-time look.

AND I had to walk through the roomful of still-eligible ladies and gents (who all heard my audition and some of whom gave me a thumbs up) in order to get out of the building. AGONY.

Although it was mortifying, I don't view this as a total loss because:
a- I kind of fought for an opportunity when I normally would have let it pass me by
b- I got a new headshot because of it
c- it inspired me to update my resume
d- next time I will totally trust my instincts and do the freak-flag thing... whether it's use a puppet, bring a prop, whatever...
e- it got me back in the game and I've already set up a second audition... RENT! Tomorrow!
f- I know it sounds elitist, but I kind of feel like I dodged a bullet if they didn't even want to SEE how the performers would interact with puppets... right? I feel like I'm qualified to say that as the weird puppet lady. ;)

More recruits!

Hi, just a quick post to say that my husband is working through the Artist's Way with my brother-from-another-mother, Scott, and my friend Oreste! And they have been kind enough to let me moderate their meetings, which is really inspiring since I'd like to teach/lead this kind of work in the future~ I love the idea of helping people access their creative potential!

Here are some highlights from their first meeting:
When they miss morning pages (a daily writing assignment- 3 pages of stream of conciousness), they are required to make up the missing pages. (Emily and I are way easier on ourselves about this, but I think it is a strong choice that shows their commitment!

Oreste described creativity as an ocean, and the internal censor as a fisherman deciding which ideas to keep or throw back. Very compelling imagery~ Can you tell he's a poet? ;)

Dave got some amazing validation from Scott and Oreste when he shared his feeling that he's not as productive as he'd like to be.

Scott introduced the tradition of sharing one meaningful thing to take with you at the end of the meeting. It gave me chills!

I'll be posting highlights from my meetings with Em as well, but since we are three weeks in, I'm mostly trying to just catch up the blog so I can update in real time.

Agnosticism and Affirmations

The Artist's Way is spiritually themed, and makes an assumption of faith on the part of the reader.

As an agnostic, I find the frequent references to "The Creator" anywhere from quaint to tedious. For the most part they don't work for me, but I'm occasionally able to tweak it to suit my own perspective. I especially needed to do this with the affirmations that are offered in week one.

My girl Emily and my husband (who also identify as agnostic/atheistic) were also disturbed by this, so I tried re-writing them to see if they could get behind a less god-centric message. (this whole post is probably going to bum out my sister who is my only reader, so, sorry, K).


Here are the ones I could use wholeheartedly:

5. My creativity heals myself & others.
6. I am allowed to nurture my artist.
7. Through the use of a few simple tools, my creativity will flourish.
9. My creativity (always) leads me to truth and love.
I personally would omit the always on this one as I prefer to avoid absolute thinking.
15. I am willing to create.
16. I am willing to learn to let myself create.
18. I am willing to be of service through my creativity.
19. I am willing to experience my creative energy.
20. I am willing to use my creative talents.

Affirmations I tweaked
1. I am a channel for God's creativity and my work comes to good. BECOMES
"I AM OPEN TO BEING A CONDUIT OF CREATIVE ENERGY. . . and my work leads to good things"

2. My dreams come from God & God has the power to accomplish them BECOMES
"MY DREAMS REPRESENT A HIGHER, TRUER VERSION OF MYSELF THAT I CAN ACCESS"

3. As I create & listen, I will be led BECOMES
"I WILL LISTEN AS I CREATE"

4. Creativity is the Creator's will for me BECOMES
CREATIVITY IS NATURAL FOR EVERYONE

8. Through the use of my creativity I serve God BECOMES
THROUGH THE USE OF MY CREATIVITY, I TAP INTO A HIGHER POWER THAT CONNECTS AND SERVES ALL BEINGS.

12. There is a divine plan of goodness for my work BECOMES
MY WORK TAPS INTO THE DIVINE IN ME

13. As I listen to my creator, I am led.
Replaced Creator with MY INTUITION

14. As I listen to my creativity, I am led to my Creator.
Replaced Creator with DIVINITY.

17. See no. 1.

Affirmations I wasn't able to get behind:

10. My creativity leads me to forgiveness and self-forgiveness.
I was surprised by the strength of myreaction to this one, since it is not one of the God ones. For me, it is too loaded, too calculated, too much someone else's idea of what my creative purpose SHOULD be. I might be able to work with-
MY CREATIVITY IS ONE PATH TO SELF FORGIVENESS
meaning that I could use it for that purpose, but I am not willing to put it on me or my art to get anyone else to a place of forgiveness, nor am I okay with REQUIRING or EXPECTING that it do that for me.

11. There is a divine plan of goodness for me.
OMG so loaded. Even just the word goodness is problematic. I finally settled on
GOODNESS IS ABUNDANT IN MY LIFE
but really I could take or leave this one.

Maybe it's too late to say that I'm trying to reserve my skepticism and be open to all possibilities... (I am!), but this is as far as I could get for now...

Week Two: Resonant Phrases

Here are the ideas that jumped out at me during the second week's reading:

"Self hate commonly appears in the maske of self doubt."

"Creativity flourishes when we have a sense of self acceptance."

"You will be led to new sources of support as you begin to support yourself."

"The essential element to nurturing our creativity lies in nurturing ourselves."

"It is easier to write than not write, to paint than not paint, etc."

"We need to be willing to let our intuition guid us, and then be willing to follow that guidance directly and fearlessly."

"Blocked creatives are crazy and self destructive... willing to go to any length to avoid being blocked."

"The greatest barrier to an expanded life is our own deeply held skepticism."

"Creative recovery is . . . open-mindedness."

"Survival lies in sanity and sanity lies in paying attention."

"Success or failure, the truth of a life has little to do with its quality [here quality means access to wealth]. The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention."

"The reward for paying attention is healing... finally, the pain that underlies all pain, that we are unutterably alone... Attention is an act of connection."

"Pain becomes something more valuable: Experience."

Think on these phrases; I hope you find something here that inspires you!

Week One: Avenue Q

So, while I was working week one (I'm currently in week three, just trying to get the blog up to speed) I read an audition announcement for a local theater that's doing a production of Avenue Q.

Unfortunately, I read it the day AFTER the auditions.

Normally in that situation, I'd be like, "Aw, that's too bad. I should really pay more attention to auditions," and then I would think about joining a mailing list. Then I'd get annoyed at the thought of all those e-mails which I know would just annoy me by their very volume, and I would get in the habit of ignoring them anyway, and of course, I would feel guilty about that, so I'd create a subfolder and route them there so I never had to look at them until about a year from now when I'd finally unsubscribe and delete them without reading them.

None of which would get me an audition.

But I was pretty excited about this show, and I knew I would kick myself if I didn't at least try. I also felt that it was exactly the sort of thing I *should* be pursuing as part of my creative "recovery"... That's Julia Cameron's word. I have a bit of a negative reaction to it, but I guess in this case it's accurate as it's been about two years since I did a show (I took some time off to plan my wedding and then I didn't jump right back in like I thought I would). Probably longer since I actually auditioned for something.

Too, part of not following through is that I've never been terribly good at auditioning. The more I want the part, the more nervous I get and the worse I do. The more nervous I am, the more I get locked up in my body and don't move freely. That's just awkward, and it doesn't show an auditor what they need to see (how I would move on stage and more specifically, that I enjoy it). Whatever. I'm sure a lot of performers have this problem, but I'm in denial about it. I wish so hard that I was past it already that sometimes I don't anticipate that it will happen. Then I judge myself pretty harshly when it does happen because I feel like I *should* be over it. I love performing, and I have an aptitude for it. I mean, I don't suck.

Anyway, I knew Julia Cameron would want me to go for it! So I sent my resume and a video of one of my puppets singing It's a Fine Fine Line to the "casting director" on Monday. I didn't hear anything all week. I was bummed because as a singer & puppeteer, my resume was suited to the show and I thought the video was strong work. I finally heard from her on Friday and... I got invited the callback!

I was ELATED. I think I was more excited than I would have been if I'd auditioned and been called back because I felt like my experience had spoken for itself and actually impressed someone.

Score one for Amber! Score one for the Artist's Way!

But... there's more to the story. Stay tuned.

Week One: Resonant Phrases

Each week, I'll be sharing quotes from the book that speak to me. Make of them what you will!

The first chapter is called "Recovering a Sense of Safety."

"Children are urged to think of the arts as hobbies, creative fluff around the edges."

"Shadow artists are gravitating to their rightful tribe, but can not yet claim their birthright. Audacity (not talent) makes one person an artist and another a shadow artist."

"IT TAKES NURTURING TO MAKE AN ARTIST" (Yep, I copied that in all caps for some reason. I guess that's how it spoke to me).

"If being an artist seems too good to be true, you will devise a price tag that seems unpayable and stay blocked."

The Beginning

(a very good place to start)

The Artist's Way is a 12 week program intended to help people access and own their creativity. My friend Emily and I have both attempted to work through it before, but neither of us ever finished the course. It came up because an acquaintance was leading a workshop (okay, she calls it a "play"shop) and I thought it might be something we could do together. We couldn't really afford to fork out the dough, though, so we started to talk about doing it on our own.

We got together but didn't talk about it very much before we committed. I didn't even THINK about it very much because I knew if I did, I would come up with a reason not to do it. And the truth is, there's not likely to be a better time in my life to do it. I'm currently grossly underemployed due to low enrollment in several of the programs I teach and that in turn makes me feel bad and question the path I'm on as a theater teaching artist. I know I'm lucky to be working in my ideal career but I won't be able to afford to stay in the business unless things pick up. I'm hopeful that working through this process will help me feel more confident and empowered as an artist, and that I'll seek out new opportunities (or that they will present themselves to me).

I also feel positive about having a friend to support me since I tend to work better with some external motivation.

I used to write a blog called "talk to the hand" about my experiences as a puppeteer performing school assemblies. I never really kept up blogging after I left that job but I always wanted to, and writing a blog in conjunction with this project really struck me as a good way to put the tools from the book to use right away and renew my creative expression.