My sister can tell you the answer to that one, she was there the first time I *tried* to ride Tower of Terror (I eventually got over my paralyzing fear and really enjoyed it).
Yesterday I was driving from work to the Rent audition when I was seized by a fear so total, I thought it might turn into an anxiety. I seriously had to wonder if I would have to pull over just to deal with it? I gave myself the same pep talk I would give a student that situation, about how nerves are just letting us know what we're alive and that we can choose to harness that energy to help us onstage, etc., and I felt like a total hypocrite! Like, who am I to be advising anybody on auditions, especially if it's implied that it's "easy" to refocus nervous energy.
Changing tactics, I started to tell myself how much I LOVE my song and how much FUN I was going to have singing it and how great that was going to be. That worked pretty well, actually... but it only bought me about 3 minutes of calm before my fear would amp all the way back up to 10.
Seriously, I was much more frightened than I have ever been going in to an audition and I don't know where that came from. Even just writing about it now and remembering what it felt like, I can feel my heart racing. Baffling, especially when you consider that the stakes were phenomenally low:
a) I'm not attached to doing Rent
b) I'm not a good match for any character in Rent
c) I probably couldn't commit schedule-wise if I *were* by some miracle cast.
All I can think of is that the Ave Q debacle had stayed with me enough to alter my experience of this audition in a huge and negative way. But, in which case, I'm really glad that I decided to get back on the horse... it would have been SO much easier to give up and go home.
I was majorly freaked out when I arrived and I had an entire HOUR to wait (the audition was halfway between work and home, but it didn't really make sense to go home and come back... plus I knew there was a good chance that my fear would mate with inertia and I would talk myself out of going). I can thank Ju-Cam and The Artist's Way for the inspiration to take a walk! I made a quick trip by foot to 7-11 for some Mentos... probably half a mile round trip? By the time I returned to the theater, I could hold my resume without it quivering visibly in my hands. Progress, baby!
Then, something funny happened when I got inside... there was a girl... with a SNAKE. Just, you know, loose snake, hanging out on the arm. You guys, that scared me for reals!
But it made me realize something.
There's a reason to be afraid of snakes. A snake could be dangerous. We're kind of biologically programmed to be averse to slithery creepy-crawlies, right? My fear of the snake made sense.
But to be afraid of an opportunity to do something that I genuinely LOVE? That's kind of nuts.
With this in mind, I was able to project my negative thoughts and energy toward the snake and head into the audition with a clear mind and heart, ready to sing my best and hopefully communicate my enthusiasm!
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